The Tiny American

i went to law school, and all i got was this lousy license to practice law

before (full of idealism & inspiration & hope that i can balance the scales of justice):

after (alcoholic & depressed & divorced, or at least very likely to be): 

check!

i am so white

White people love rules. It explains why so they get upset when people cut in line, why they tip so religiously and why they become lawyers.

from www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com

spring break? (photo update)

as shown below by my car in the snow in front of the law school, my spring break seemed neither like spring, nor like a break :(

p.s. check out random pictures in home and madtown take 2!

getting down to business & on the up and up

the removal of my drains from my legs today was a sign that my medical vacation is coming to an end. i still can't walk without crutches or get through the day without taking several pain pills (is that how addiction starts?), but law school does not wait for the weak.

p.s. check out the drains (the white pieces) that were removed from inside my leg. in case they don't look big to you, let me assure you that they were big enough; the larger drain was about 6 inches long and 1/2 inch wide. both drains were wedged underneath my skin and nudged between muscle and bone. they were each connected to plastic tubes that carried blood outside of my leg and into the clear bulbous containers that i emptied every night. the removal procedure involved me taking a deep breath and gripping the examination table while the doc yanked them out one at a time... painless really.

laid up & down and out (photo update)

so, as you may have guessed, my silence for the last couple of weeks has not been due to a recent pregnancy or a relocation to a kubbitz as i was hoping, but rather to my lack of free time caused by a bad habit known as "law school." and since everything that happens in law school is either really boring or exciting but confidential, i don't have anything to say about it.

i do have exciting news about a medical malpractice claim i am about to file. two weeks ago i underwent surgery on my left right leg to remove scarred tissue that was restricting my muscle when i exercised (known as compartment release surgery). i was told that i would be able to walk within a week. the doctor inserted a drain in my leg to help remove blood and other fluids as my leg healed. unfortunately, the medical staff at uw health west clinic knows as much about peripheral vascular surgery as i do (keep in mind that i am in _law_ school, not medical school), and despite the fact that my leg was extremely swollen and bruised, they assured me that was normal after surgery. when the doctor finally saw my leg after i insisted on coming back to the clinic for a third time, he said why yes, yes indeed my leg was unusually swollen, and the drain must not have worked properly. and since two is always better than one, he scheduled me for a second surgery the following day to remove the collection of blood in my leg (known as a hematoma). somehow he forgot to give me a "buy one, get second 1/2 off" discount. this time, i have double the drains (there are now two in my leg), double the pain, and double the costs, although i admit i also have double the pain medication, and have been upgraded from hydrocodone to oxycodone. my doctor is going on vacation this week, so again i am stuck with the medical expertise of the staff at the clinic, who have already proven their worthlessness when it comes to determining whether or not a numb foot is an indicator of poor blood circulation. i guess there are some things worse than law school. the only thing that makes me feel better is that my roommate in the hospital had undergone surgery to remove an anal abscess, a large cavity near one's anus filled with pus. the doctor said her abscess was the size of a bar of soap... ouch! anyways, i will just fill my time this week with plans of how to sue the largest number of entities for the largest amount of money. isn't that what law school is for?

p.s. check out pictures from my medical malpractice adventure in madtown take 2, and pictures from my israeli adventure in israel (warning: this album is still under construction, so please come back in a week or so to see it fully complete)

shalom!

so i have decided to quit law school once and for all and live on a kibbutz in israel making babies and milk and honey. so far the weather is colder than i thought, but the hummus is creamier. i have yet to see an anti-aircraft missile aimed at a palestinian youth armed with a rock, but i'm keeping my eyes peeled. stay tuned for the latest falafel review and embarassing cultural faux pas.

priceless

replacing a broken side mirror after backing into my neighbors' car: $267

replacing the same side mirror 3 weeks later after backing into my neighbors' garbage cans: $267

having something hilarious to blog about: priceless

bundled

ready to brave the winter and reclaim our cars

lawyer joke?

i recently received a letter from an inmate (not my client) who was writing to request legal assistance. the only thing he knows about me, other than my name, is that i am a law student. he had this to say,  "i see past your career choice into your caring heart." i couldn't have made a more clever, subtle jab at lawyers if i tried.

p.s. he said he didn't have much money, but did state that he had a 1987 buick regal which could be obtained, if need be

i am a little ashamed to admit...

that i watched a lifetime movie last night. and then i spent an hour on google reading about the lives of the people who the movie was based on. i will do just about anything to avoid doing real work.

p.s. click here if you have ever thought about going to law school. then take two aspirin, go to bed early, and forget that you ever considered the idea.

i was afraid of this...

... and we're back! (photo update)

hello? is anybody still there? can you hear me? i admit, i have been neglecting the tiny american for many months, and i don't have any excuses. but, the tiny american has returned! mostly because i just couldn't pass up the opportunity to share the following story:

last week i got trapped in an emergency stairwell at a law firm where i was interviewing. i arrived at the firm, dewey cheetem & howe, with a few minutes to spare. i asked the receptionist if i could please use the restroom. she pointed me down the hallway, and off i went. arriving at the restroom, i found that the door was not working correctly. an associate who noticed me awkwardly trying to open the door kindly walked me upstairs to another restroom. when i exited the upstairs restroom, i thought to myself, just find the same stairwell and take the stairs to the floor below. i looked down the hallway in the direction i thought i had come from, and saw a large exit sign. perfect, i thought. and without more, i opened the door into the stairwell. as i entered, i realized that this was not the same stairwell. i turned around and saw a large sign on the door reading, NO RE-ENTRY, just as the door clicked shut. sweet! i was locked in an emergency stairwell on the 54th floor wearing a suit and high heels. the sign indicated that i could re-enter two floors down, although when i arrived another sign informed me that if i opened the door, i would set off an alarm for the whole office, and possibly the whole building. i did NOT want to be remembered as the candidate that not only walked into the emergency stairwell, but also required the whole building to be evacuated. i could walk all the way down to the ground floor to see if i could exit there without setting off an alarm, but that would take about 20 minutes, require me to check in with security again, and reenter the reception from a different direction than the restroom that originally began my adventure. luckily, i had my cell phone in my brief case, so i was able to call the receptionist with a plea for help. the call went something like this:

me: hi, this is tiny american. i have an interview today at 10:00 a.m.
receptionist: hi tiny, didn't you already arrive? didn't you go to the bathroom?
me: oh yes. i did. but now i am locked in a stairwell.
receptionist: how is that possible? the bathroom is right down the hallway...
me: ...
receptionist: ok, hang on. i'm coming to get you. where are you?
me: in a stairwell.
receptionist: what does it look like?
me: well... it's gray, and there are lots of stairs.

about 10 minutes later, i was still sitting in the stairwell. the receptionist called me back, saying she had looked in the stairwell, but i wasn't there. i assured her i was indeed in the stairwell. at that point i gave up any sense of dignity and started banging on the doors. i finally heard the receptionist in an adjacent stairwell calling my name. "i'm in here!" i yelled. my rescue involved a confused attorney, an apologetic receptionist, and a humbled interviewee. my first interview, which followed shortly after my rescue, went something like this:

me: hi, nice to meet you. how are you?
interviewer: i'm fine, thank you. how are you?
me: oh fine, thanks.
interviewer: so, i heard you were trapped in the stairwell?

here are the other things of note that have happened in the last 6 months:

1. my mother got a new dog, sadie. she's exactly like brutus, only she doesn't have anxiety disorder, she doesn't urinate or defecate in the car if left alone for 15 seconds, and she didn't kill caesar.
2. i am learning how to play guitar.
4. i'm not pregnant, and i didn't drop out of law school, much to my disappointment.
5. i just deleted/archived 347 emails in my inbox.
6. barack obama visited madison and gave a very inspirational speech.
7. i paid over $300 in parking tickets.
8. a flight attendant asked me, "honey, how old are you?" to determine whether i met the 15 year old age requirement to sit in the emergency exit seating row.

p.s. check out pictures of my trips back home and to denver (again), and a taste of summer adventures in madtown and fall escapades in madtown take 2.

the final stretch (photo update)

springtime has finally come to madison, and finals are just around the corner. i'm starting to get to the point where eating and sleeping have become annoying habits that take away from my study time. what's that you say? my house is on fire? i wasn't aware. oh, how glorious it will be to be finished with law school.

p.s. check out pictures from my recent trip to denver, and some new pictures in madtown

clearly...

no rational mind would be likely to deduct from such testified conduct of mr. riemer swinging his arms in a belligerent manner that he was poisoning the jelly and sugar. in re reimer's will, supreme court of wisconsin, 1957.

remember (photo update)

you are dust and to dust you will return

p.s. check out new pictures in madtown

comic relief (photo update)

you might have guessed i am very busy lately. and that's probably an understatement. but i would like to take a moment to give a shout out to the court of special appeals of maryland, particularly to judge wilner for providing much needed comic relief. his opinion in baker v. the state of maryland is as follows:

the english language, blending and building upon the vocabulary of its latin and germanic roots, is a marvelous and omnificent language, offering a rich variety of words and expressions to describe or explain a single thought. and so, in characterizing the complaint made in this appeal by mr. david bruce baker, we have much to choose from - ludicrous, preposterous, silly, asinine, ridiculous, absurd, nonsensical, frivolous, outrageous, unreasonable, laughable, foolish, unsound, and incongruous come to mind, but there may be others. meritless and erroneous are partly descriptive, but somehow they don't seem to capture the full flavor of the thought. in other words, we propose to affirm.

p.s. check of pictures of a recent jam session in home.

p.p.s. help support public interest lawyers! check out the UW LRAP Coalition, a group of wisconsin law students (including myself) that are fighting to create a viable loan repayment assistance program (LRAP) at our school. despite rising tuition costs, (i personally will graduate with approximately $110,000 of debt, and that's with a scholarship and an americorps grant), public interest salaries have remained stagnant (the average job pays slightly less than $40,000 a year). many law students are forced to choose their debt over their dream of serving others because they cannot afford to take public interest jobs. but can our communities afford not to have these positions filled? public interest lawyers provide needed legal services to disadvantaged communities, helping to ensure that the justice system is available to everyone regardless of their income. providing legal services to those who can't afford them results in fairer settlements and trials, builds trust in the legal system, and strengthens communities by allowing them to direct their limited resources towards other pressing issues. LRAPs help lawyers who earn below a certain amount (i.e. public interest lawyers) to pay off their student loans. many law schools around the country already provide this support to their students (funded mostly through donations from people like you). do you believe that a justice system should be just? want to know how you can help? click here to contribute to the UW LRAP fund:

r & r (photo update)

my first semester of law school finally ended, and oh it has been like sweet sweet milk and honey to get some rest and relaxation. i didn't really believe law school would be as hard as everybody warned, but it was. during the last month everything got in the way of studying, including showering, eating, and sleeping. things that normally catch the attention of a regular person seemed inconsequential. what's that you say? i forgot to put pants on? the sun failed to rise? the sad part is that after all that hard work, i neither like law school, nor do i want to be a lawyer. nobody in law school does. but i'm already 25k in the hole, so i might as well power through.

p.s. check out pictures from my brooklyn new years' celebration in home (compliments of ehhmon)

p.p.s. brutus may have killed caesar, but cancer finally got the best of brutus :(

in memory of brutus

cuantos anos tiene?

to make the process of pleading guilty to a criminal offense more efficient in wisconsin, defendants complete guilty plea  forms that ask for basic information. the question, "how old are you?" was erroneously translated into spanish as "cuantos anos tiene?" i would tell you what this means, but that would be crude, so i'll just let you look it up on your own. never underestimate the power of a tilda. no wonder some people have low expectations of our legal system.

reassurance

law school exams are notoriously stressful. rumors, which have been circulating among 1Ls since september, hint of crying in the law school bathrooms and vomiting in the law library. our exam period doesn't begin until mid december, but pressure has been slowly rising. often grades are based solely on the final exams. most exams run 4 hours, sometimes with only 1 question, and students are still begging for more time at the end. law schools grade on a strict curve, so some of us are guaranteed to end up on the bottom. my contracts professor tried to reassure us yesterday with this statement:

law exams are a little like pac-man. you know you're going to die. so try to score as many points as you can before you die.

p.s. i bought new pants

new pants?

so either my pants shrunk or there's a possibility i have gained some weight. it might have something to do with the fact that i walk downstairs in the morning to the bus stop on my street, and upstairs at night to my house, and that's about the extent of my physical activity, save trips to the refrigerator and food pantry of course. i'm not really concerned about the weight; mostly i'm concerned that i will be awfully cold this winter when i have to walk around in my underwear because i can no longer fit into my pants. so i either need to buy new pants, which i can't really afford, or stop taking the elevator to go up 3 floors, among other things.

me: 1 squirrels: 0

i know how to use a gun. don't @#$% with me.

hypothetically speaking, of course

i'm not a big fan of lying. so when a guy asks me if i have a boyfriend, and i don't, i say, no. the problem is that usually the guy doesn't just want to know, for factual purposes, whether or not i have a boyfriend. the guy wants to know if i want him to be my boyfriend. and the answer to that, more likely than not, is no. but when he hears that i don't have a boyfriend, he assumes that the door is wide open for him to put his muddy shoes wherever he wants. he takes this giant leap from me not having a boyfriend to me wanting him to be my boyfriend; do i look so desperate that i'll take anything that comes along? the real fallacy here is that the guy employs presumptive intent. he presumes (assumes, supposes without proof) that if i don't have a boyfriend my intentions are to take anybody. the united states supreme court has already ruled that presumptive intent is unconstitutional (sandstrom v. montana) because it unjustly places the burden of proof on the defendant. when a guy employs presumptive intent, i'm put in the awkward (and i might also say unjust) place of proving that i'm not interested. this causes my life to be more complicated than i want. so please, don't presume anything about a lack of boyfriend. or i'll sue you.

you think?

the court of appeals of new york (the highest court) in people v. caruso:

the inference that the intent to kill existed might also be drawn from the two wounds in the neck of the deceased inflicted with a large knife

(emphasis added)

an admission

my torts prof in class today:

i could go on and on pretending i don’t understand you, but i won't.

you know you're still in wisconsin if...

you find yourself playing a poker tournament in the atrium of the law school, and the dean of admissions is wheeling around a keg of beer for anyone who might be thirsty

free legal advice, #3

in the state of wisconsin, defenses to criminal liability include adequate provocation, coercion, self-defense, and intoxication (Wis. Stat. section 939.42). hmmm... i think this one is obvious.

free legal advice, #2

according to section 343.44 of the 1953 wisconsin statutes: (at first glance i wasn't sure if this was a statue or a thesaurus)

any person who shall wilfully, maliciously, or wantonly destroy, remove, thrown down or injure any fence, hedge or wall inclosing any orchard, pasture, meadow, garden or any field whatever on land belonging to or lawfully occupied by another, or open and leave open, throw down, injure, remove or destroy any gate or bars in such fence, hedge or wall, or cut down, root up, sever, injure, destroy or carry away when severed any fruit, shade, ornamental or other tree, or any shrub, root, plant, flower, grain or other vegetable production, or dig up, sever or carry away any mineral, earth or stone, or tear down, mutilate, deface or injure any building, signboard, fence or railing, or sever and carry away any part thereof standing or being upon the land of another or held in trust; or who shall wilfully, maliciously or wantonly cut down, root up, injure, destroy or remove or carry away any fruit, ornamental or other tree, or any shrub, fruit, flower, vase or statue, arbor or any ornamental structure standing or being in any street or public ground in any city or village, in any private inclosure or highway, or destroy, remove, mutilate or injure any milestone or board, or any guidepost or board erected in any highway or other public way, or on any turnpike, plank road or railroad, or deface or obliterate any device or inscription thereon, or cut down, break down, remove, mutilate or injure any monument erected or tree marked for the purpose of designating the boundaries of any town or tract of land or subdivision thereof, made for such purpose, or break remove, destroy or injure any post, guard, railing or lamp-post or lamp thereon erected or being on any bridge, street, sidewalk, alley, court, passage, park, public ground, highway, turnpike, plank or railroad, or extinguish or break any lamp on any such lamp-post, or tear, deface, mutilate or injure any book, map, pamphlet, chart, picture or other property belonging to any public library, or take and carry away the same with intent to convert to his own use, or shall injury or destroy any personal property of another shall be punished by imprisonment in the country jail not more than six months or by fine not exceeding one hundred dollars.

so basically, don't intentionally steal or destroy stuff that's not yours. this law school thing is really paying off.

in memory (photo update)

in memory of those who died on september 11th, i have posted pictures from some of the many vigils and memorials held in new york city in the months following the attacks that show the city's pain, suffering, and hope. i have also posted pictures from february, 2003, when tens of thousands of people filled the streets in new york city, joined by hundreds of thousands around the world, to protest the then imminent war against iraq. (see september 11th)

five years later, the united states government is still using the tragedy as an excuse to wage war wherever it deems necessary. i hope that the messages of love and peace that filled new york city after september 11th despite the overwhelming pain, sadness, and confusion, are not forgotten.

blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of god.
matthew 5:9

a word of encouragement

according to my torts textbook, in reference to unpleasant cases:

the reaction of many lawyers to cases of this sort is, "i should have gone to business school."

well that's good to hear after my first week of law school.

free legal advice, #1

from my contracts professor:

if you want to make a lot of money, cheat a lot of people out of a nickel.

you know you're in wisconsin if...

the barbecue at the orientation for first year law students includes multiple kegs of beer and the person pumping those kegs is the dean of the law school

you suddenly discover that the person who passed out on your couch in a druken stupor the other night also managed to urinate on it, in such a quantity that the couch needs to be replaced

p.s. i was assigned 675 pages of reading for my first day of classes. if you aren't impressed by that number, screw you, the text is small and i don't know 1/2 the words.

into the abyss (photo update)

i start law school in two days. half the people i talk to lately assure me i'll make it through, even though i give them no indication of being worried. the other half cancel their future plans with me assuming that i will be locked in a library for the next 10 months straight. the conversation goes something like this:

them: hey, we should get together sometime and [insert fun activity here]
me: yeah, that would be really cool, let's do it
them: oh wait, you're going to be in law school, nevermind
me: (rolling eyes and groaning)

i try to tell them that just because i'm going to be in law school doesn't mean i will cease to exist on this planet, but they usually just laugh and nod in a way that tells me they don't really believe me. i'm a little bit scared that they might be right.

p.s. check out pictures of my new home and an aerial dance performance by cycropia, a locally based dance group, in madtown.

one man's trash (photo update)

the city i live in is dominated by a single move-in/move-out date for housing rentals because of the university schedule. almost all leases, whether you are a student or not, end august 14th and begin august 15th. for 48 hours or so the city sidewalks and dumpsters are piled with stuff that renters who are moving out don't want. often times the stuff is relatively new and in excellent condition. some people might call these piles trash, but they usually have lots of money and no imagination. for those people who are broke and without furniture, it's treasure. looting this stuff once a year to see what can be found is common practice. check out madtown to see pictures of my own shopping expedition with some of my housemates. armed with flashlights and large backpacks, we set out on foot to seek our treasure. by the end of the night i had acquired: a metal shelving unit, a mirror, white bookshelves, two binders, a footrest, and a small folding table. others found money, pillows, knives, hand weights, vacuum cleaners, a mattress and much much more.

p.s. i'm also in the process of becoming a subsistence fisherman. see pictures in madtown.

a little advice

here's a little friendly advice to anyone who has ever been, or ever plans to be a customer in a restaurant/bar:

1. don't ask if the iced tea is unsweetened, nod when the reply is affirmative, and then ask for sugar AFTER your server has fetched your beverage, as if it was obvious you wanted it all along

2. don't ask for separate checks when a restaurant is packed and the server is writing all the checks by hand, and don't complain when it is explained to you that it is policy to not provide separate checks; go back to third grade to learn how to add and subtract and divide the @#$%ing check yourself

3. don't plead for your server to separate your check, watch her take 8 minutes to divide it into 4 separate bills, and then leave her 8% for a tip; YOUR SERVER IS NOT DOING YOU A FRIENDLY FAVOR, IF YOU WANT A SPECIAL SERVICE PAY FOR IT

4. don't pretend to teach your kids to be polite by reminding them to say thank you to the nice server and then leave her $4 on a $48 check; IT'S RUDE AND DISPRESPECTFUL

4. DON'T BE CHEAP; your server makes around $2.50 an hour and her tips probably pay for things like rent, food, and law school

5. don't buy a drink from the bar instead of the cocktail waitress and then try to dance with her; do you think she's wearing an apron and carrying a tray just to hang out with you?

matthew 6:19-21 (photo update)

total parking tickets in the last week: $75

total tips earned in the last week: $68

i'm not a mathematician, but i think this adds up to me being broke. this is good practice for having $90,000 of debt and being a public interest lawyer. and it reminds me not to worry about money, which surely will never last or bring true happiness.

matthew 6:19-21

19 lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:

20 but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:

21 for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

p.s. check out pictures of my new home in madtown, the second greatest city in the world.

25 cents for a laugh :)

only i would irreparably damage my hard drive, yet be so thankful to remember that my old laptop still has some of my missing files, just to find that it too was damaged as it was shipped to me. i think god is clearly making a stand here: no digital security for me.

in other news, this fall i will be attending law school. in addition to hearing three people in the last week tell me that there are already too many lawyers in the world, i've also been fortunate to hear several witty (and by witty i mean definitely not witty) lawyer jokes, the majority declaring my inescapable path towards avarice and doom as the punchline. the fact that i intend to go into public interest law (the kind that doesn't earn much money but helps out the public, you know, people like you), doesn't seem to curb the flow of jokes. regardless of how you may feel about lawyers now, in three years time you'll be so happy to remember that you know someone that can give you legal advice! so here comes the (shameless) request. law school is what i like to call, expensive. and i'm what some describe as, poor. so to help fund my education, i'm asking for a donation of 25 cents for every time this site has made you laugh (or chuckle, or snort, or if you're feeling generous, even just smirk a little). laughter has been proven to strengthen the immune system, increase one's threshold of pain, lower high blood pressure, and reduce stress. all that for only one quarter! to be fair, you should also subtract a quarter every time this site has made you groan (or furrow your brow). to donate now, click here:

or on the button labeled make a donation in the upper right corner of this page. if you would like to donate, but don't feel my law school education is the best recipient, please consider the food bank for new york city, teach for america, or doctors without borders. i thank you kindly in advance for your generosity, and hope i will bring a giggle to your lips everytime you visit!

on the road (photo update)

so a couple of days ago i packed up everything i own into my car and took to the open road. ok, maybe not everything, considering there's an entire room full of my stuff at my dad's house. but half of that stuff i have tried to sell on ebay (to no avail) and the other half is books. it's long been a dream of mine to own only what i can fit into my car; books will definitely be my downfall.

so anyways, i'm living in a coop (co-operative housing) and i don't have a job. i realized that my b.s. (bachelor of science) is literally b.s. (bull@#$%). let's just say that having a degree in politics isn't the golden ticket to employment. on the upside, i have plenty of time to figure out what exactly i want to do with my life, and get a puppy.

p.s. partially out of embarassment and partially because the u.s. postal service threatened to terminate her mail service, my mother replaced her portable, falling-down mailbox. check out some pictures of her new box and more in home. i'm temporarily without a camera (and by temporary i mean not so temporary unless i get a job), as well as my laptop (i dropped it this morning and damaged the hard drive), but hopefully i'll have some pictures of my temporary home soon.

for sale

there is a reason, by the way, that nyc is called the greatest city in the world. mostly, because it's true. in addition to eating delicious food and going to the turkish baths this weekend, i went to an improv comedy show at a small club in chelsea, and mike meyers just happened to be in it. i have obviously been away from the city for a long time, because i thought it was a pretty big deal, yet nobody else did. the show was satisfyingly funny. speaking of mike meyers, i tried to sell my *like new* original austin powers vhs plus bonus footage for $1.00 on ebay. after 7 days it failed to acquire any bids, which means it's still available for you! here are some other things i'm trying to sell on ebay: (added discount for thetinyamerican.org visitors!)

1. sprint dsl modem, cat-5 cable included
2. car charger, spare battery, and accessories for samsung phone
3. overweight boxer, sometimes responds to "brutus"
4. razor scooter, red wheels, emblazoned with photograph of minnie-ha-ha captain

don't they sound like a steal?

so now what? (photo update)

home has been fantastic. i still have a little of bit of honduras in me, so doing nothing more than sleeping, wasting time (in the eyes of some), and eating has taken up more than one of my days since i have returned. not that hondurans only sleep, waste time, and eat, it's just that i'm not concerned about doing a lot of stuff or rushing to get everything done at once.

i'm not really sure where thetinyamerican.org is going, seeing as the original honduran theme no longer applies; but i'm still tiny, as well as american, so i know i will find a place for it. please keep visiting!

in the meantime i have been hired by the u.s. postal service to locate embarassing and dysfunctional mailboxes and leave their owners this warning: (similar to one my father received several years ago)

the mailbox below was the worst of the offenders that i found: (and just happens to be my mother's)

check out some more pictures of my homecoming in home.

celebrate america!

call me if you're interested in helping me celebrate america and my unemployment! same number as always.

home

yesterday in the airport people smiled at me and said, "bless you," when i sneezed. men helped me put my carry-on luggage in the overhead baggage compartments and a airline worker instructed me on the best ways to lift heavy luggage (both of mine weighed over 70lbs). today i drank unfiltered water and took a hot shower (without having to turn off my lights!). home sweet home.

standing in front of my classroom on my last day of honduras:

cómo?

this morning i woke up early to walk around comayagua and take pictures of all the things that i have laughed at during my time here. one of my favorites, a restaurant named "fredd chicken" (say it out loud with a spanish accent), was no longer there, but most of the rest were. many times i have walked through these streets with my head tilted thinking to myself "cómo?" i waited until now to take all these pictures because i figured if i was robbed at least i would have gotten good use out of the camera all year. fortunately, the outing was theft free. enjoy the last pictures of my temporary home in comayagua.

p.s. check out more pictures in el taladro; we returned for some more fun in the sun to celebrate my last weekend here

weaponry expert

over the last several months i have become an expert in the use of various types of weapons to defend myself and my property. although i've never actually been successful at preventing or stopping a robbery, i don't let that get me down.

proudly showing off my machete

practicing my "from the tree" attack

guarding the side gate with my (plastic dart throwing) gat

perfecting my flail technique

defending my chocolate from my roomate

you wanna get past me? you gotta get past maglite first.

p.s. i'm a quarter of a century old today! so little time left and so much to do!

sleeping, staring, and solitaire

i am done! my grades are all calculated, my classroom is stripped bare, and my books are all returned. i had a conversation this morning with my supervisor that went something like this:

me: here are all my completed grades. is there anything else i need to do?

her: (pauses, thinking) no, not really.

me: so, there's nothing i can do? nothing else at all?

her (pauses, thinking) no, nothing.

me: so, may i go home now?

her: (shaking head slowly) no.

me: (blinking) ok...

for some wild reason, or more likely for absolutely no reason at all, i am expected to stay at school all day for the next several days, even though i have nothing to do. i predict that i will be doing a lot of sleeping in the staff room, staring at my coworkers (who still have a few days of school left), and playing solitaire. believe me, i'm not complaining. it has been a long time since i have had time to sleep, stare, and play solitaire. every once in awhile maybe i'll mix it up and play a little minesweeper. ahhh, life without responsibilities, it's glorious!

delayed reaction

@#$%! i was robbed at gunpoint yesterday! did i mention there were lots of people in the street who saw it and of course did nothing? i don't necessarily expect people to rush to my rescue, he could have easily harmed them as well. but what about calling the cops? this is a small town, most people know each other. what kind of people see somebody stick a gun in a person's face and think it's ok? not people i want to be around. it's so easy to point a gun at somebody and get what you want, especially in honduras where most likely nothing will happen to you; especially if your victim is a gringa. my pepper spray might be effective against a machete, but it's no match for a gun. i always thought my life would flash before my eyes in a situation like that, but it didn't. at the moment, it was more of an inconvenience that anything else, and i felt like a fool. but now i wonder if i have just been lucky. it happened so easily, and could easily happen again, only maybe next time i won't just lose a bike. it's hard to love a country where taking something you want from somebody else by shoving a gun in their face is accepted as normal and not treated as the outrage and injustice that it is. yesterday, comayaguans spoke for themselves. no wonder this country is impoverished.

final stretch, final robbery (photo update)

my last day of school is this monday. the last day of school is never quite as exciting for a teacher as it is for the students. instead of shouting yippee! and running down the hall out the door breaking as many rules as i can it's more like sitting down in a chair and breathing a long sigh of relief, and then spending the next 12 hours grading the multiple homeworks and projects i assigned during the last week to make sure the kids didn't think vacation started early. i will miss my kids, but i won't miss being their teacher.

oh and i was robbed at gunpoint today. i'm not really sure how i feel about it yet, but i'm leaning towards not liking it so much. fortunately el ladron (robber) only took the bike that i was walking, which is probably the only reason why he robbed me anyways. it wasn't very complicated; he turned around and pointed the gun at me, i gave him the bike, and we both kept on walking. i'm not even positive if it was a real gun, but i obviously wasn't about to find out. i just hope that he sells it to buy some frijoles and tortillas for his starving one-armed child and diabetic pregnant wife, but it's probably equally likely that he'll just go places faster now. it makes me even more ready to go home to america. i'll take corporate thievery over armed robbery any day.

p.s. earlier today, i used the bike that was stolen to go to a river to swim. check out the pictures in el taladro.

international dog drug smuggler

let's just say i've discovered a better idea than hiding puppies in my luggage. hiding (legal) drugs is my newest plan to make a few dollars. not only can you purchase drugs much cheaper here than in the united states, you can also purchase many without a prescription. a doctor's visit is rarely needed. you can just go to a pharmacy, tell them your symptoms (or in my case hand over a written list that i translated to spanish), and they take care of the rest. there are all kinds of antibiotics, steroids, and pain relievers just about falling on the shelf, all yours for only a few lempira. unfortunately i can't get one of my personal favorites, cough syrup with codeine, but my canadian roomates assure me that's it's available over-the-counter in their home country, our friendly neighbor to the north. because i won't have health insurance when i return home, i'm planning on stocking up on a few drugs just in case i might need them in the coming year. i'm also going to stock up on a few popular ones that are sold at a steep discount and try to pawn them off outside a rite-aid to senior citizens. i'll start taking orders now, any requests?

bad day?

just be thankful you don't have this. and if you do, i'm so, so sorry.

international dog smuggler (photo update)

so this is the general idea. things can be purchased in honduras at a much lower price than in america, usually because they are able to be produced for less. spices for example, cost about $0.50 here, compared to $4 in america. i'm always looking to make some fast cash, but filling an extra suitcase with 200 containers of cinnamon and sage just won't cut it. but purebred dogs? i can buy a purebred dog in honduras for about $25, and they generally sell for a few hundred dollars in the states. there are a few fees involved (health certificate, transportation), but i think i could still eke out a high enough profit to make the venture worthwhile. plus, i'm broke. the more dogs i can smuggle, the higher the profit. it's a bit of work, but i'm living in honduras, what else do i have to do? i hear there are some purebred huskies for sale in tegucigalpa, and i consider it a moral obligation to take those poor animals back to the north country. so... anyone looking to buy some dogs?

p.s. we are opening a zoo at compound gringo. in the past month, we have acquired a cat, dog, and rabbit. check out pictures of them and my mystery rash in the compound.