the tiny american

i went to law school, and all i got was this lousy license to practice law

before (full of idealism & inspiration & hope that i can balance the scales of justice):

after (alcoholic & depressed & divorced, or at least very likely to be): 

check!

i am so white

White people love rules. It explains why so they get upset when people cut in line, why they tip so religiously and why they become lawyers.

from www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com

spring break? (photo update)

as shown below by my car in the snow in front of the law school, my spring break seemed neither like spring, nor like a break :(

p.s. check out random pictures in home and madtown take 2!

getting down to business & on the up and up

the removal of my drains from my legs today was a sign that my medical vacation is coming to an end. i still can't walk without crutches or get through the day without taking several pain pills (is that how addiction starts?), but law school does not wait for the weak.

p.s. check out the drains (the white pieces) that were removed from inside my leg. in case they don't look big to you, let me assure you that they were big enough; the larger drain was about 6 inches long and 1/2 inch wide. both drains were wedged underneath my skin and nudged between muscle and bone. they were each connected to plastic tubes that carried blood outside of my leg and into the clear bulbous containers that i emptied every night. the removal procedure involved me taking a deep breath and gripping the examination table while the doc yanked them out one at a time... painless really.

laid up & down and out (photo update)

so, as you may have guessed, my silence for the last couple of weeks has not been due to a recent pregnancy or a relocation to a kubbitz as i was hoping, but rather to my lack of free time caused by a bad habit known as "law school." and since everything that happens in law school is either really boring or exciting but confidential, i don't have anything to say about it.

i do have exciting news about a medical malpractice claim i am about to file. two weeks ago i underwent surgery on my left right leg to remove scarred tissue that was restricting my muscle when i exercised (known as compartment release surgery). i was told that i would be able to walk within a week. the doctor inserted a drain in my leg to help remove blood and other fluids as my leg healed. unfortunately, the medical staff at uw health west clinic knows as much about peripheral vascular surgery as i do (keep in mind that i am in _law_ school, not medical school), and despite the fact that my leg was extremely swollen and bruised, they assured me that was normal after surgery. when the doctor finally saw my leg after i insisted on coming back to the clinic for a third time, he said why yes, yes indeed my leg was unusually swollen, and the drain must not have worked properly. and since two is always better than one, he scheduled me for a second surgery the following day to remove the collection of blood in my leg (known as a hematoma). somehow he forgot to give me a "buy one, get second 1/2 off" discount. this time, i have double the drains (there are now two in my leg), double the pain, and double the costs, although i admit i also have double the pain medication, and have been upgraded from hydrocodone to oxycodone. my doctor is going on vacation this week, so again i am stuck with the medical expertise of the staff at the clinic, who have already proven their worthlessness when it comes to determining whether or not a numb foot is an indicator of poor blood circulation. i guess there are some things worse than law school. the only thing that makes me feel better is that my roommate in the hospital had undergone surgery to remove an anal abscess, a large cavity near one's anus filled with pus. the doctor said her abscess was the size of a bar of soap... ouch! anyways, i will just fill my time this week with plans of how to sue the largest number of entities for the largest amount of money. isn't that what law school is for?

p.s. check out pictures from my medical malpractice adventure in madtown take 2, and pictures from my israeli adventure in israel (warning: this album is still under construction, so please come back in a week or so to see it fully complete)

shalom!

so i have decided to quit law school once and for all and live on a kibbutz in israel making babies and milk and honey. so far the weather is colder than i thought, but the hummus is creamier. i have yet to see an anti-aircraft missile aimed at a palestinian youth armed with a rock, but i'm keeping my eyes peeled. stay tuned for the latest falafel review and embarassing cultural faux pas.

priceless

replacing a broken side mirror after backing into my neighbors' car: $267

replacing the same side mirror 3 weeks later after backing into my neighbors' garbage cans: $267

having something hilarious to blog about: priceless

bundled

ready to brave the winter and reclaim our cars

lawyer joke?

i recently received a letter from an inmate (not my client) who was writing to request legal assistance. the only thing he knows about me, other than my name, is that i am a law student. he had this to say,  "i see past your career choice into your caring heart." i couldn't have made a more clever, subtle jab at lawyers if i tried.

p.s. he said he didn't have much money, but did state that he had a 1987 buick regal which could be obtained, if need be

i am a little ashamed to admit...

that i watched a lifetime movie last night. and then i spent an hour on google reading about the lives of the people who the movie was based on. i will do just about anything to avoid doing real work.

p.s. click here if you have ever thought about going to law school. then take two aspirin, go to bed early, and forget that you ever considered the idea.

i was afraid of this...

... and we're back! (photo update)

hello? is anybody still there? can you hear me? i admit, i have been neglecting the tiny american for many months, and i don't have any excuses. but, the tiny american has returned! mostly because i just couldn't pass up the opportunity to share the following story:

last week i got trapped in an emergency stairwell at a law firm where i was interviewing. i arrived at the firm, dewey cheetem & howe, with a few minutes to spare. i asked the receptionist if i could please use the restroom. she pointed me down the hallway, and off i went. arriving at the restroom, i found that the door was not working correctly. an associate who noticed me awkwardly trying to open the door kindly walked me upstairs to another restroom. when i exited the upstairs restroom, i thought to myself, just find the same stairwell and take the stairs to the floor below. i looked down the hallway in the direction i thought i had come from, and saw a large exit sign. perfect, i thought. and without more, i opened the door into the stairwell. as i entered, i realized that this was not the same stairwell. i turned around and saw a large sign on the door reading, NO RE-ENTRY, just as the door clicked shut. sweet! i was locked in an emergency stairwell on the 54th floor wearing a suit and high heels. the sign indicated that i could re-enter two floors down, although when i arrived another sign informed me that if i opened the door, i would set off an alarm for the whole office, and possibly the whole building. i did NOT want to be remembered as the candidate that not only walked into the emergency stairwell, but also required the whole building to be evacuated. i could walk all the way down to the ground floor to see if i could exit there without setting off an alarm, but that would take about 20 minutes, require me to check in with security again, and reenter the reception from a different direction than the restroom that originally began my adventure. luckily, i had my cell phone in my brief case, so i was able to call the receptionist with a plea for help. the call went something like this:

me: hi, this is tiny american. i have an interview today at 10:00 a.m.
receptionist: hi tiny, didn't you already arrive? didn't you go to the bathroom?
me: oh yes. i did. but now i am locked in a stairwell.
receptionist: how is that possible? the bathroom is right down the hallway...
me: ...
receptionist: ok, hang on. i'm coming to get you. where are you?
me: in a stairwell.
receptionist: what does it look like?
me: well... it's gray, and there are lots of stairs.

about 10 minutes later, i was still sitting in the stairwell. the receptionist called me back, saying she had looked in the stairwell, but i wasn't there. i assured her i was indeed in the stairwell. at that point i gave up any sense of dignity and started banging on the doors. i finally heard the receptionist in an adjacent stairwell calling my name. "i'm in here!" i yelled. my rescue involved a confused attorney, an apologetic receptionist, and a humbled interviewee. my first interview, which followed shortly after my rescue, went something like this:

me: hi, nice to meet you. how are you?
interviewer: i'm fine, thank you. how are you?
me: oh fine, thanks.
interviewer: so, i heard you were trapped in the stairwell?

here are the other things of note that have happened in the last 6 months:

1. my mother got a new dog, sadie. she's exactly like brutus, only she doesn't have anxiety disorder, she doesn't urinate or defecate in the car if left alone for 15 seconds, and she didn't kill caesar.
2. i am learning how to play guitar.
4. i'm not pregnant, and i didn't drop out of law school, much to my disappointment.
5. i just deleted/archived 347 emails in my inbox.
6. barack obama visited madison and gave a very inspirational speech.
7. i paid over $300 in parking tickets.
8. a flight attendant asked me, "honey, how old are you?" to determine whether i met the 15 year old age requirement to sit in the emergency exit seating row.

p.s. check out pictures of my trips back home and to denver (again), and a taste of summer adventures in madtown and fall escapades in madtown take 2.

the final stretch (photo update)

springtime has finally come to madison, and finals are just around the corner. i'm starting to get to the point where eating and sleeping have become annoying habits that take away from my study time. what's that you say? my house is on fire? i wasn't aware. oh, how glorious it will be to be finished with law school.

p.s. check out pictures from my recent trip to denver, and some new pictures in madtown

clearly...

no rational mind would be likely to deduct from such testified conduct of mr. riemer swinging his arms in a belligerent manner that he was poisoning the jelly and sugar. in re reimer's will, supreme court of wisconsin, 1957.

remember (photo update)

you are dust and to dust you will return

p.s. check out new pictures in madtown

comic relief (photo update)

you might have guessed i am very busy lately. and that's probably an understatement. but i would like to take a moment to give a shout out to the court of special appeals of maryland, particularly to judge wilner for providing much needed comic relief. his opinion in baker v. the state of maryland is as follows:

the english language, blending and building upon the vocabulary of its latin and germanic roots, is a marvelous and omnificent language, offering a rich variety of words and expressions to describe or explain a single thought. and so, in characterizing the complaint made in this appeal by mr. david bruce baker, we have much to choose from - ludicrous, preposterous, silly, asinine, ridiculous, absurd, nonsensical, frivolous, outrageous, unreasonable, laughable, foolish, unsound, and incongruous come to mind, but there may be others. meritless and erroneous are partly descriptive, but somehow they don't seem to capture the full flavor of the thought. in other words, we propose to affirm.

p.s. check of pictures of a recent jam session in home.

p.p.s. help support public interest lawyers! check out the UW LRAP Coalition, a group of wisconsin law students (including myself) that are fighting to create a viable loan repayment assistance program (LRAP) at our school. despite rising tuition costs, (i personally will graduate with approximately $110,000 of debt, and that's with a scholarship and an americorps grant), public interest salaries have remained stagnant (the average job pays slightly less than $40,000 a year). many law students are forced to choose their debt over their dream of serving others because they cannot afford to take public interest jobs. but can our communities afford not to have these positions filled? public interest lawyers provide needed legal services to disadvantaged communities, helping to ensure that the justice system is available to everyone regardless of their income. providing legal services to those who can't afford them results in fairer settlements and trials, builds trust in the legal system, and strengthens communities by allowing them to direct their limited resources towards other pressing issues. LRAPs help lawyers who earn below a certain amount (i.e. public interest lawyers) to pay off their student loans. many law schools around the country already provide this support to their students (funded mostly through donations from people like you). do you believe that a justice system should be just? want to know how you can help? click here to contribute to the UW LRAP fund:

r & r (photo update)

my first semester of law school finally ended, and oh it has been like sweet sweet milk and honey to get some rest and relaxation. i didn't really believe law school would be as hard as everybody warned, but it was. during the last month everything got in the way of studying, including showering, eating, and sleeping. things that normally catch the attention of a regular person seemed inconsequential. what's that you say? i forgot to put pants on? the sun failed to rise? the sad part is that after all that hard work, i neither like law school, nor do i want to be a lawyer. nobody in law school does. but i'm already 25k in the hole, so i might as well power through.

p.s. check out pictures from my brooklyn new years' celebration in home (compliments of ehhmon)

p.p.s. brutus may have killed caesar, but cancer finally got the best of brutus :(

in memory of brutus

cuantos anos tiene?

to make the process of pleading guilty to a criminal offense more efficient in wisconsin, defendants complete guilty plea  forms that ask for basic information. the question, "how old are you?" was erroneously translated into spanish as "cuantos anos tiene?" i would tell you what this means, but that would be crude, so i'll just let you look it up on your own. never underestimate the power of a tilda. no wonder some people have low expectations of our legal system.

reassurance

law school exams are notoriously stressful. rumors, which have been circulating among 1Ls since september, hint of crying in the law school bathrooms and vomiting in the law library. our exam period doesn't begin until mid december, but pressure has been slowly rising. often grades are based solely on the final exams. most exams run 4 hours, sometimes with only 1 question, and students are still begging for more time at the end. law schools grade on a strict curve, so some of us are guaranteed to end up on the bottom. my contracts professor tried to reassure us yesterday with this statement:

law exams are a little like pac-man. you know you're going to die. so try to score as many points as you can before you die.

p.s. i bought new pants